Dating Dilemmas

So... dating.

On one hand, I feel lonely and I crave grown up conversations.  I long to feel in love and have a man to kiss and to date.

On the other hand... I'm working two jobs, and I'm trying to be a good mom and trying to spend as much time with my daughter as I can.  I have a full plate.

Dating is different now.  When I was in high school and college I would want to spend every minute with someone who I was excited about.  Now the time I have is limited and I find that I don't get excited about many people.  Time is a HUGE consideration.  I'm learning that my time is even more of a commodity than my money.  Parenting takes a lot of time.  I can't leave my daughter at daycare for 12 hours per day, and I can't send her to one place for the whole day when I am at work just to leave her somewhere else all evening or night.  I couldn't stay out all night if I wanted to because I have to get my kid in bed (I'm too tired to do that anyway), and my ex doesn't take her for visits (don't get me wrong- in many ways that's a good thing), but I don't have every-other weekend free.  AND I work two jobs and sometimes work on the weekends.  PLUS... I WANT to spend as much time with my daughter as I can.  I want her to have memories of us having fun together- not just as the stressed-out stern mom that I often have to be in order to get us out the door ontime.  I want to raise her right and not allow other people to do it for me.

So it limits the time that I can spend dating unless and until I introduce my date to my child... Which is a dilemma in and of itself.  How soon do you introduce your kid to someone who you've been dating?  It seems like it naturally makes a relationship more serious once your dates start meeting your kids.  I've heard that some women don't allow their kids to meet to their dates until they have a ring on their finger, and others don't care.  And it's tough because you don't want your kid to bond with someone who you're not sure is going to stick around, but it becomes hard to live two separate lives and keep them both separate.  It's tough to juggle "free time" when you don't have much to begin with.

On one hand I don't have time to waste on men who I can't see a future with.  On the other hand, I'm somewhat socially awkward, I could probably use the dating practice, and I could probably use the opportunity to get out of the house once in awhile and have a grown up conversation or see a grown up movie.

AND... hopefully I won't be dating a creep or a pedophile, but especially when you meet someone online... you just never know. 

The current dilemma is this:  I met someone on a dating app.  I don't know him well.  We went for our first date last Friday.  We went to a soccer game.  It was pretty fun.  He was goofy an a little awkward, but I'd go out with him again if he asked.  I'm not super excited about him, but I guess I could use a friend and we will see where it goes from there.

He just asked me out for Friday night.  Weeknights are tough for me- including Fridays because I work all day.  I've said earlier, I can't leave my daughter for that long.  She needs her mama.  And I like to spend as much time with her as I can.  I usually try to make dates for Saturday night because at least we have most of the day together.  Last Friday I made an exception because I can't say, "You want to go to a soccer game?  Do you think they could reschedule it for Saturday?"

But these are my options: 

1. say yes and deal with the behavior problems that come when my daughter doesn't get enough time with mommy and deal with the stress of trying to figure out babysitting and finding someone that I trust to watch her for me
2. try to reschedule for Saturday when my Saturday is already packed and emotionally charged, or 
3. cancel.  BUT next weekend my chorus has a show Friday and Saturday, so if I cancel I can't reschedule for at least two weeks.  At that point he will think that I'm not interested in him.

I said I'd go Friday, but it fills me with mommy guilt and with dread over finding a sitter...

Does it ever get any better?

Who needs sleep? Well, you're never gonna get it...

A couple of weeks ago I was talking with a friend.  We were joking about how sometimes we just wish that we could take a nap for a week or even a month at a time.  I was (and I still am) in the middle of a growth storm, and feeling exhausted an overwhelmed.

THEN my stepsister had a nervous breakdown.  I don't know everything that played into it, but I know that she has 3 kids under 3, nearly lost her life a couple of times, and post-pardom depression and anxiety may have played a part in addition to some other things.  I watched as all of the family tried to help her husband care for the littles while she was in the hospital.  Her eyes were open, and she would sit up, but she was not responsive to what was happening around her.  She is now doing a little better.  She is out of the hospital, but the Drs say that it could take her a year or more to fully recover- if she ever does.

This spooked me a little because I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but I CAN'T have a break down.  I'm a single mom, and my daughter only has me.  Not that my stepsister had a choice... I'm sure that she didn't.  But still... what would happen to my daughter if she no longer had me?

And I realized... I DO shut out the world in my own minuscule way.  I struggle, and rather than reaching out to friends, I hide.  I binge watch TV.  I stop answering my phone.  I "zone out" and shirk responsibilities.  This is part of the reason why I'm reaching out now and sharing my truths.  It's easy to think that everyone else has their life figured out except me.  It's easy to feel ashamed that I don't have it all worked out.  But instead of asking for help, I hide.  I shut people out.  But I need to change or else I could end up like my stepsister.  When I finally opened up to a friend about how I was feeling, I was surprised to find out that she was having many of the same feelings that I was having.  I also learned that she hides from the world and does not reach out for help either.  Why do we all do that?  Why do we think that we have to face this world's challenges alone?  This is part of the reason why I've started writing again:  It helps me process the things that have happened, and I hope by sharing that we will all feel less alone, more connected, and better able to ask for help... before all the worries and struggles fester and get bigger and we have a breakdown.

The truth is... no one has it all figured out.  Even if one person has one area of their life figured out, they may still struggle in another area.  It's easy to compare ourselves to one another, but that is a trap.  When we compare ourselves to others we are usually comparing someone else's strengths against our own weaknesses.  It's no wonder we always feel like we are coming up short!

If you are feeling overwhelmed, don't hide from the world.  Open up!  Comfort and joy can sometimes come from the most unexpected places.  Many workplace insurances cover therapy visits to help you work through your issues (mine does), and there are many friends who would be willing to lend an ear.  Don't ever think that you have to do it alone...

AND... resist the urge to compare yourself to others.  The only person you have to be is your best self.  Many times we punish ourselves because of the things that we haven't accomplished.  BUT what would happen if when a baby was learning to walk the mother said, "Why aren't you running yet?"  Just as we celebrate a baby's first steps, we should celebrate our own small victories.

My small victory today was showering before work.  I still didn't put on any make up, but I got out of bed in time to shower and I made it to work on time.  What is your small victory today?

I Commit to Telling My Truths

I am in the middle of a storm.

I'm on a spiritual journey- a quest of body, mind, and spirit.  I have already been learning valuable lessons and I have had some interesting life experiences.  I am 40 and I still don't have it all figured out yet.  But I'm on a path of self discovery, trying to figure it out.  I am not sure what the best medium for me will be (if it will be blog, video, book or some other form), and I am still struggling to find my voice, but I think if I just start where I am...  I need to start somewhere.  I hope I can admit my shortcomings, celebrate my successes, and hopefully help others along the way.

I've been reading Rachel Hollis' "Girl, Stop Apologizing", and it has inspired me to take some action into embracing and achieving my goals.  I have a lot of great ideas, and I've had a lot of interesting experiences.  Maybe if I just start writing and sharing...

For so long I have tried to put on the front that "everything is ok".  Now it's time to share my truths:  my personal struggles, my hopes, my dreams, my fears.  I commit to share the good, the bad, and the ugly.  I commit to put myself out there.  I commit to put mommy guilt aside.  I commit to stop caring what others think of me.  I may not always be perfect, but I commit to be myself and to keep doing the best that I can.

I believe in the power of intention, so maybe I should start by listing some of my dreams/ goals:

1. Support myself and my daughter
2. Visit every continent
3. Visit every US state
4. Travel writer
5. Unlock the secrets of the 4 hour work week
6. Become a New York Bestselling author
7. Invest in Real Estate
8. Sell on Amazon
9. Become "the banker" (not a banker)
10. Get an advanced degree in choral conducting
11. Create the most entertaining shows that people flock to see my shows
12. Grow my audiences
13. Lead my chorus on the international stage
14. become a successful business owner
15. Have all the time that I want to spend with my daughter
16. Own several businesses
17. I want it all!
18. Help others create connections
19. Foster win-win relationships
20. Write books
21. Make movies
22. Teach people to be better parents
23. Inspire others to follow their dreams
24. Be a motivational speaker
25. Become an Opra or an Ellen
26. Start a non profit to help single moms
27. Become a music therapist
28. Become a school counselor
29. Lose weight
30. Get married
31. Have more kids
32. Start my own record label
33. Start my own film company
34. Teach others how to get control of their finances
35. Start my own clothing line
36. Have a farm and sustainable living

And some of the businesses I'd like to own:

1. Real Estate Investing
2. Music School
3. Alternative to Health Insurance
4. Chick-fil-A
5. Country Store and restaurant
6. Penny P's Pick-your-own Pumpkin Patch
7. A Production company (for live events and films)
8. A recording company
9. Store owner
10. School of Finance
11. Non-profit to help single moms
12. Non-profit to provide scholarships for music and arts education
13. Travel agency
14. Matchmaking/ husband training business

These goals are in no particular order.  As you can see, I have varied interests and I dream BIG.  Some may say that they are too lofty, or that I'm too old or it's too late to start.  Some of my goals may change or evolve over time.  Admittedly, I may have to choose which ones are the most important bucket list items... But here they are in all their glory.  So if you see me try and fail... I'm still learning.  If you see me try something and then start something completely different... It may look random to you, but it's not random to me.  At least I'm trying, and I'm doing, and I'm figuring it out as I go.

Clean Up Your Own Clutter!

I remember an experience as a child where I overheard someone saying that they needed to go home

and clean so that their cleaning lady could come the next day.

Growing up in a single-parent household and always struggling to get by, I had often dreamed of having a housekeeper to help us keep up on the chores.  Hearing that this person needed to clean so that the CLEANING lady could come puzzled me.  Why would someone pay to have their house cleaned if they were just going to do it themselves?  Why would they clean their own house, if they were going to pay someone else to do it.  I wondered if they did it to keep up appearances or something.  I thought it was weird, but I soon forgot about it.

Now that I am cleaning my mom's house twice per month, I remembered my confusion as a youth and now I understand.

Housekeepers generally DO NOT clean up your clutter.  They come in once per week (or once every couple of weeks) to clean your mirrors, wipe off counters, dust shelves/ picture frames/ knick knacks, scrub sinks, clean toilets, vacuum the house, empty the trash cans, sweep and mop bathroom and kitchen floors, etc.  They need you to clean up your own clutter so that they can do their jobs properly.  They don't live there.  They don't know where you keep your stuff.  They don't want to interrupt your projects that you started and didn't finish.  They won't sort through your mail.  If you leave your clutter out, they will simply dust, wipe or vacuum around your clutter.

I have not lived with my mom for about 10 years.  My mom is not the sort of person to leave things the way they are.  She is constantly re-arranging the furniture in different rooms, switching the function of certain rooms (switching her office and the kid's play room), reorganizing her dishes, remodeling her house, etc.  Even being her daughter, I don't know where everything goes in her house.  Even as her daughter, I would never sort through her mail.  A paid housekeeper definitely wouldn't do that either.

Even though her house is medium sized (4br, 2.5 bath, living room, family room, kitchen), it usually takes me about FOUR HOURS to clean.  I am lucky that she has cleaned up most of her clutter by the time I get there.  As her daughter, I would help my mom clean her clutter if she needed it, but it would take me much longer to clean her house.

This is NOT my house.  My house isn't THIS dirty... yet

BUT I have a confession to make.  Time to air out the dirty laundry:  My house is a MESS!  I go home to MY dirty house, and I want to cry.  It seems the more that I clean my mom's house, the less I clean my own.  I live with my husband, two dogs, and a cat.  We don't even have kids!  It seems like all we do is move our clutter around.  As soon as we get one area cleaned, it is almost instantly dirty again.  I don't remember the last time we wiped the mirrors and counters, cleaned the toilets, etc.  How did my house get so messy?  LIFE GOT IN THE WAY.  My husband and I have been struggling financially for the last year.  We have been busy working multiple jobs, letting our stuff fall wherever it lands and not moving it until we need it again, letting the mail pile up, letting the dirty clothes pile up, not folding the clean clothes, etc.  I am drowning in my own clutter!

I still dream about hiring a housekeeper but 1) we are broke and we don't have the money, and 2) we have too much clutter in the way.

I am usually a clean freak.  I like my home to be clean and in order.  I enjoy watching Clean House.  I recently realized that my house was nearly as messy as some of the homes featured on the show.  I keep hoping Niecy Nash will show up at my house ANY MINUTE.  But that's enough of my ranting about my dirty house.  I thought I would have much more time to clean and get my affairs in order when I finished school, but I was WRONG!  Oh well!  That's life.  I will just have to find the time to clean my own house.

If you have ever wondered why people would clean their house so that their cleaning lady can come... now you know.  AND if I ever become rich enough to hire a housekeeper, don't judge me if I say I need to clean my house so the cleaning lady can come.